No, this isn’t a commentary on the Mark of the Beast—rather, it’s a birthday shout-out to my good cousin and friend Ed of The Ed Zone. Ed turns—well, I don’t actually know but I assume it’s in the early– to mid-thirties, meaning he is now firmly ensconced in the life decade associated with 1980s television dramas (that’s thirtysomething for those of you who have no idea what I’m talking about, which, since I never watched the show, arguably includes me).

Growing up, Ed was always one of my coolest cousins. He had a bedroom with spaceship wallpaper (it may even have been Star Wars), lots of toys, and he introduced me to what would become a lifelong passion: cheesy Godzilla movies. He also gave me a very awesome 2-foot-high Godzilla toy, which I had the pleasure of returning to him a few years ago at his wife Andrea’s first baby shower.

Other fond memories of Ed include watching his high school performance in Annie and trading Simpsons references ad nauseum at countless family gatherings. And of course there’s the infamous bath story, which has livened up many a family holiday.

So today, Ed, I offer you the toast I saw last night on Good Eats: May all your joys be pure joys, and all your pain champagne.

  1. Due to this fine tribute, you have been spared roasting for 40 Days and 40 Nights in a Lake of Fire while watching an endless loop of America’s Funniest Home Videos (the Dave Coulier editions) through a vaseline smeared ViewFinder lens.

    And, while it was a fine tribute indeed, would it have killed you to offer up a token ritual goat sacrifice.

  2. Hey, I’ve still got a few hours…though I’m not entirely sure where to get a goat. Would some week-old leftover meatloaf suffice?

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