Jason F.C. Clarke

Interview with Jason F.C. Clarke

(As conducted by the author with himself)

So…here we are again.

So it would seem.

“So it would seem.” What’s wrong with you?

Let’s just get this over with.

First off, a question from a reader: Who is this DG you constantly refer to?

DG stands for DottyGale, the online pseudonym of my girlfriend. You can read her blog here.

Okay, let’s move on. You are…?

Jason F.C. Clarke.

Right, right. And what do the initials stand for?

Frederick Cassani.

That’s a lot of names for someone who isn’t one of the landed gentry.

I guess so.

Or, like, “the third” or something.

True.

Well, anyway. Where were you born and raised?

I was born in South Weymouth, Mass., and raised in Carver, Mass.

Carver, Mass. Home to lots of cranberry bogs, right?

Yes, it’s often called the cranberry capital of the world.

That’s absolutely fascinating. Is it true you once accidentally shot out the window of a used car in your next-door neighbor’s lot with a BB gun and immediately informed him about it while crying profusely?

Yes…

Is it also true you once threw a fit because your parents were trying to make you share your Bubble-Tape with your sister?Bubble-Tape containing over six feet of gum?

Yes, that’s also true.

And you were like, eleven years old then.

I don’t remember, exactly…

Eleven is pretty old to throw a fit about something like that.

My parents said the same thing at the time.

Moving on. What do you do for a living?

I’ve done a number of things. I’ve worked at a library, as an intern for The Atlantic Monthly, as a reporter for a major newspaper syndicate, and as a marketing associate at a major computer game company–

But what do you do for a living right now?

Right now I’m a library assistant at a small art college in Boston.

Well, that’s better than last time, when you were “between jobs.”

…yes.

That’s a nice photo of you up there.

Thanks.

Where was it taken?

That was taken in Bray, Ireland.

Very nice. When was that?

Summer 2000.

Oh. So that photo is, like, seven years old.

Yes…

So, you could be a lot fatter or uglier now. You’re potentially misrepresenting yourself.

No, I more or less still look like that.

“More or less.” Right. Who took that photo?

I don’t think that’s any of your?

Oh, you’re just dying for an excuse to tell this story. I know it because I’m you. Who took that photo?

Oh, very well. While I was on vacation in Dublin, I went to St. Stephen’s Green to read A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man?

Oh, how delightfully literary of you.

What?

Nothing. Go on.

Uh, so while I was sitting there, this young woman sat down next to me and noticed the book, and started up a conversation…

So she talked to you first?

Yeah.

Huh.

What?

Nothing.

Okay. Well, she turned out to be a French exchange student, and we ended up hanging out for the next couple of days. She had a car and drove us out to Bray, and she was an amateur photographer, so that’s why she took the photo. She mailed it to me in a letter later that year.

That’s a great story. So getting back to stuff people might care about, where do you live now?

I live in Boston.

In Boston itself?

Well no, in Brighton specifically.

So why did you say you lived in Boston?

This is getting kind of old.

Fine. Moving on. I see here you collect action figures. What’s your favorite?

Of all time? The original Grimlock from the Transformers line of the 1980s. My current favorite toy, though, is probably Joyride Studios’ Master Chief figure from Halo.

Anything else interesting about you?

DG and I have a guinea pig named Tribble.

I said interesting.

I once got yelled at by Faye Dunaway. True story!

Great. Any parting words?

You’re not very nice.