The more I read about Hellboy 2, the more it seems that there’s something of a Harry Potter-esque vibe to it. I think it’s the idea of the “Troll Market” more than anything else, but still.
I really can’t predict how well this film will do. The first one was a moderate success, but it was no Batman Begins or even X-Men. Maybe these Rowling-esque touches, while alienating some Hellboy fans (Hi, Scott!) will draw in the casual crowd.
I wrote this piece a few months ago, when I was still thinking I could sit through all the Friday the 13th, Nightmare on Elm Street, and Halloween movies. It turned out I couldn’t, but I did manage to write two reviews before I gave up. Here’s the first one.
Hello and welcome. I’m Jander Rothberg.
And my name is Sir Nigel Sandstone.
We’re here today to discuss the celluloid trash—I mean, the cinematic masterpie—the film Friday the 13th. Filmed on a budget of $700,000 and released in 1980, this so-called ‘slasher flick’ spawned—and I do mean spawned, as spawn is a word most often associated with slimy things with tentacles—spawned a series of sequels.
Now now, Jan, you’re getting ahead of yourself, no?
Oh very well. Hand me the tea, will you? The film’s plot, such as it is, can be summarized thusly. The movie begins in a place called Camp Crystal Lake in 1958. Two teenage camp counselors sneak off to copulate and are brutally murdered. Twenty years later, the camp is re-opened and teenage camp counselors are brutally murdered, usually after sneaking off to copulate.
Now now, Jan, there’s a bit more to it than that.
Is there? I was under the impression this was a quickie rip-off of John Carpenter’s far superior Halloween that happened to have enough nudity and gratuitous violence to be successful and give the filmmakers the wrong idea that they should keep making movies rather than turning their talents to some other medium that might better suit their talents. Like fabric sculpture, perhaps.
All right, enough. I for one thought the film was relatively effective at what it was trying to do, which is to scare you.
But what kind of goal is that for a work of art? Is there nothing more?
What about Psycho?
Touché. But I do hope you’re not comparing Alfred Hitchcock to Sean S. Cunningham, the director of this film?
What if I were?
Then I should beat you about the face and neck until I was certain your fit of madness had passed.
As everyone knows, the big twist in Friday the 13th is that the killer turns out not to be a masked male psychopath—that came in the later films—but a middle-aged woman, the mother of a boy named Jason Voorhees who drowned at the camp in 1957 while the counselors were off copulating, as you put it.
Hmph. ‘Twist.’ I suppose it was fairly clever. But once the woman, played by one Betsy Palmer, was revealed, I have to say the heroine did not handle herself very well. How many times did she beat the woman down, then leave without making sure she was unconscious?
Well, one must expect such conventions of the genre.
Oh please. But I did like the old crazy fellow in town who told them that the Camp had a death curse. If I had a nickel for every time I was told one of my vacation destinations had a death curse…
…then what?
Pardon?
If you had a nickel for every time that happened, then what?
I’d be rich, I believe the expression goes.
People have actually told you that a place you are going on vacation has a death curse?
I was merely making a joke, Nigel.
So no one’s ever actually told you a place you were going had a death curse.
Well, there was that one time, when I was going to visit New Haven. But that turned out to be true.
Moving on. What did you think of the cast? I thought the actors were generally a bit stilted and untrained, but that was fine, since all they really had to do was die in horribly violent ways.
Yes, it was a very rewarding film in that regard.
I suppose we ought to mention that this film features a very young Kevin Bacon.
Yes, he gets stabbed through the throat from under the bed. Excellent role for him. Unfortunately for those of you who like to play “Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon,” none of the other actors in this film have ever done anything else.
Now that’s neither nice nor quite true.
It’s mostly true.
…yes.
Also, I’m unclear as to why I had to be subjected to Mr. Bacon wearing a skintight banana-hammock and, later, his exposed buttocks.
I did like the heroine, Alice. I thought Adrienne King made her charming and believable.
Aside from the character’s astounding lack of common sense and mild-to-moderate arm strength, I’ll agree with you.
Of course, it’s the next film that the infamous Jason Voorhees takes his place as the antagonist of the series. But I’ll let Mr. Clarke tell you about that. Until next time, my friends.
Enjoy the day.
Two nights ago, my Xbox 360 died again.
This was my third, though it had been built around the same time as my previous two–September 2006. I was in the middle of playing Halo 3 with some friends when the DVD drive began to make a sound somewhat like a weed whacker. A moment later, it declared my Halo 3 disc unplayable, as well as any other disc I put in there.
This time I brought it back to Sam’s Club and simply requested a refund. I took the refund and bought a brand-new Xbox 360 at Best Buy. It has a manufacture date of August 4, 2007 (the day I got engaged–coincidence?). It has the new Zephyr motherboard with the improved heat sink. I made sure to confirm this–the word “Zephyr” was right on the box’s SN label.
Since the refund from Sam’s Club was for the full price in September and the 360 has had a $100 price drop since, I was able to get the new console as well as an extended warranty that would let me swap the 360 anytime it broke down for the next two years. Of course, by dropping the cash for the warranty, I virtually guaranteed this console will never break down (or at least, not for two years).
As I hinted at in my first October post, I’m just not feeling the Halloween love this year. Maybe I burned out last year and need a year to recuperate. I’ll keep the Halloween theme, of course, but I’m afraid you’re not going to get daily postings. However, I’m hoping I can manage to pull together something for Christmas.
I had debated whether to post this next tidbit. But for anyone who’s curious, I participated in a faculty reading on Tuesday night at the college I work at, and they put the video up on their website (Quicktime MOV). I’m about half-way in. I appear to have been going for the land-speed record for reading a short story out loud, and I forgot to add, y’know, emotion. So you could say I’m not pleased with my performance. But I suppose it’s all a learning experience–next time will be better.
DG and I have finally started watching Heroes. And it’s great. I don’t want to discuss it here, though, until I’ve caught up.
Somewhat on-topic, here’s some fantastic news: it seems Guillermo Del Toro (The Devil’s Backbone, Blade II, Hellboy, Pan’s Labyrinth) has finally gotten the green light to make his big-budget adaptation of H.P. Lovecraft’s At the Mountains of Madness. (I like to think it was partly my influence–see the last question.)
Finally, someone will take a crack at a true A-movie version of Lovecraft’s work. ATMOM is probably the best one to start with, though I think The Dunwich Horror would make a great film as well. With any luck (and skill), ATMOM will be the beginning of a run of big-budget Lovecraft films (like the Austen films of the nineties or the current epic fantasy boom).
OK, so it’s the second and I’m already behind. I should give you a heads-up that I definitely won’t be posting daily this year–I’ve just got way too much other stuff going on. But I’ll try to post as frequently as possible.
First off, let me take a moment to thank both Kate Racculia, who designed the new logo, and Sean O’Brien, who redesigned the site’s look. I like the “blood in the water” feel this year–it’s cooler than the orange-and-black theme I was going to use.
So October is here, and Halloween approaches. I’m behind on more than just this blog–I haven’t decided on a costume yet, haven’t figured out a good movie night, nothing. All I’ve managed to do is put up some of my Halloween-themed action figures. For some reason, the process wasn’t as gratifying this year as it has been in previous years–I think because I can’t find my Simpsons Treehouse of Horror set. I’ve been putting it on display in October for years now, but I think I put in somewhere in my parents’ attic last year and now I can’t find it. I’ll have to do some more digging on Saturday when we head down to the South Shore for King Richard’s Faire.
Maybe this year I’ll remember to bring a camera so we can take some pics at the Faire.
As always, my fellow ToyFare writer Matt Caracappa has his own Halloween countdown over on X-Entertainment, who tracks down stuff like Jason Voorhees’ appearance on Arsenio Hall. Whatever happened to that guy? Hall, I mean.
The new Halloween look for BBn will be a little late in coming–hopefully it’ll be up tonight, but it all depends on the schedule of my long-suffering webmaster Sean.
In the meantime, check out this editorial in the Boston Globe.
For the first time in about a year, I have a new action figure review up at OAFE. This one is Erik Larsen’s SuperPatriot.
